Sun Tzu and the Art of Domination

Drums

2004-12-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

The Drums of War are now silent....

He who has an ear to hear....

GRRRRR

2004-11-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing like having spent an hour pouring out the absolute unvarnished truth and deepest contents of your heart to blogger, only to have your PC die and you lose all you have so painfully and eloquently expressed. (sigh) I'm going to take it as a sign I shouldn't say it.

The Way

2004-11-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

"There's nothing quite as exhilarating as being shot at with no result"
Winston Churchill

The Way (tao) is finally beginning to open. It's miraculous how fast the universe steps aside when you respond to it's bludgeoning with just a few decisions.

Benjamin Disraeli, the great British statesman, once said, "Nothing can resist a human will that will stake even its existence on the extent of its purpose."

When you begin an offensive by burning your boat, smashing your cooking pots and
using up your reserves. The response from the enemy is usually a unanimous: Uh Oh!
because they know your here to fight to the death. No one wants to fight an enemy like that. No one sane.

Face to face and eye to eye with the universe, it tries the old tried and true methods to make this enemy flinch:

U: Your going to lose.

EST: I don't care. And I will make it cost you dearly.

U takes a step back

U: You have no job, no living.

EST: Then I will do the best I can with what I have to work with. Money is paper. And I can always find a way to earn more paper.

U takes a step back

U: Your going to be alone.

EST: I can stand alone just fine thank you.

U takes a step back

U: You will be without your honor

EST: Better a live dog than a dead lion

U takes a step back

U: Your a loser no matter what you do or say or try

EST: I am exactly what I choose to be. If I'm a loser, I'll be the best loser that ever came along.

U runs for it's life.

Ask me today what I won't do for my purpose. Ask me what I won't sacrifice. Ask me what I'm going to do now that I have been pushed just too damn far.

As Time, Fate, and Circumstance retreat from before me. New Ways are opening up that were not there yesterday. With a moment of self healing, courage, and a few words and I could uproot the entire reality I live in and STILL have a Way. Today I could shout to the heavens and they would hear me. Hear me and Fall!

Think I won't do it?

Think I'm not provoked to wrath?

Do you dare try me?

"The power to do a thing and withhold, is a greater exercise of power."
But don't push you luck.

What is this new revelation resulting in such esteem? Where praytell does such courage come from? What provokes a man to dare do the unthought of? What madness is this?

Wait and see.

The Source

2004-10-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

I am not the same person that I always was. Although a lot of my traits and interests, and yes the BDSM fetish has not changed, a lot of who I am, and how I regard and deal with life is fairly new.

I had a complete and total mental collapse some years ago. And I will qualify that by saying total does not mean a bout with depression while continuing to work and carry on relationships. Just like you don't say you have a full blown migraine while your standing out in the sun working. No, if you have a migraine your in the bed, in the dark, your head packed in ice and still wishing you could die. I spent about four years in that position. Not from a headache, but from a completed psychological and personality collapse.

I felt like I was burning up inside. To the point that I was taking razorblades, or anything sharp I could get a hold of and opening myself up and letting the fire run out of me with the blood.

One of the times I was hospitalized in a mental facility, they mapped over 250 scars.
I even managed to slit my wrists while inside the facility in a suicide attempt (Boy the trouble I made for those poor people). I did the job so well that if I had not been at a hospital, and transferred to an emergency room so quickly I would indeed be dead. I was told I missed it by only 6 minutes.

Besides the two inpatient stays I had there were an endless string of day treatments, sessions with councilors, case workers, doctors, psychologists, and even court room hearings to have me committed permanently.

Experts told my family I only had a 5% chance of ever being functional enough to live a productive life ever again.

Well, all I can tell you is that if you have read my work in the past and decided I was insane, your right. I am. But I'm the 5% kind of madness.

I can't tell you where it began. Shoot, I remember very little of those years at all. To this day people who knew me will occasionally tell a story of something that happened, or that I said and I have to believe they are telling the truth, but I have no memory of it.

So I don't know if the person that I am now was always inside, and began to build a way out, or if I was created by the dying sanity of the person I was before. All I can tell you is that the person I am today was created more than he was born.
My memories of it actually begin late in the game, toward the end when I began the struggle to function again. And I've actually seen the process that I had used to learn to live again be used before, only in a different way.

I've always been a fan of war history, except the civil war and all I will say on it is that Lincoln should have let Sherman finish the job. Many of the men in my family had served in WWII. And I had talked and seen shows with Vietnam vets as well, even at a young age.
One of the things that prisoners of war did with their minds to relive the tedium, pain, stress and tension of being a p.o.w. was to do remarkable things with their minds. They would for example build houses in real time, in great detail. They would see, feel, smell, and experience every board and nail as they built it, furnished it, stocked it, and sometimes leveled it to start again.

My experience is a lot like that. I don't know if it was triggered by a memory, a suggestion of a councilor somewhere, or divine inspiration. But when I came to realize that I was in the world again, I found that I had built myself a new mind, and that I wasn't the same person I was before. Now this gets really weird but try to stay with me. At this point I was two people, and the other me had to go. I say it was death, the merciful death of a broken soul, but experts in this kind of stuff tell me it was actually a fusing together of a fractured personality. Parts becoming a whole.

It seemed like it happened overnight, but I know it took months and years to do, but all at once, the lights started to come back on and as they did, the people around me who had known me began to react to me differently, see me differently and treat me differently. With great caution I assure you, but none the less. I wasn't just imagining it. People saw the change. People who knew me then, and now will testify that I am not the same person I was. My wife describes it as me being a separated brother or cousin of my old self, carrying obvious family traits and resemblances, but a very different individual than who I was before.

I began to work and take on responsibility again, but my new mind and soul still had a lot to learn over again. It was at this point I made the decision to change my legal name. First, middle and last. A last act of separation, burying my old self and letting him rest in peace. I've spent the subsequent years not only trying to build up myself, but trying to live down and make up for the damage the old person I once was did. I thought I had a handle on that, up to the point that I found people in trouble coming to me looking for help and understanding.

But, as usual, in the case of estimating people, I was wrong. Deceived actually is a better term. Which brings me to the thrust of this post and the reason I'm even willing to drag my past, that I try to keep low key out into the light of public ridicule. Anna.

You can read all this up to now and imagine the HELL that Anna went through. Actually, no you can't. Whatever you envision, it would be worse. Why she chose to stay, God only knows, but she did. Nothing subsequent should ever take away from that. Anna has done her deeds, put in her time, and earned her respect. It's really unfortunate that Anna was damaged herself in the ordeal, but has kept it a secret for this long. Until it is almost too late.

Right before she left on her trip, she confessed to me that she had never really given me a fair chance after my recovery, that she had never really let me in. (that much I knew, but not why.) The why of it, the source of all the crap you read that we struggle with on my2doms and such is that she never really let go of the old me. She never forgave the old me for what I did.

I've had about 10 days to mull this over, and my thinking is still that my first impression was right upon hearing this; forfeit the Game.

I've rolled over for a lot the last six months. A LOT. But this, the wasting of the last of our youth, hope and passion because of unforgiveness and cowardice not to admit what was happening,

to allow me to work, grovel, beg and do all I did trying to get back in. And ALWAYS meeting me with apathy instead of the TRUTH.

I stayed despite getting nothing but pushed out and pushed away and being told "I'm not interested" because I felt a sense of responsibility. It was my problems that had started this after all. But there is a limit to revenge. She's allowed me tot hink all these years after I've changed that I was still doing wrong, that it was still something wrong with me.

I've fought and sacrificed everything I have become for a lie.

She's said she doesn't love me like she used to, or even as much as I love her. I rolled with that, I can understand it.

But now she admits to never even being willing to give me a chance.

She has deceived me for 8 years by not telling me honestly the THOUSANDS of times I have asked her what was wrong, why wouldn't she talk to me, let me in, what could I do to love her.

Now I realize that there has been far more than apathy over me in her eyes. I've learned from her blogs and her chat friends she has despised me, she has rejected me, and she has deceived me.

Deception....The way of all warfare.

I've tried these years to do and give all she wanted. Most times I have failed. Now I see clearly I never really had her love or support behind me. No matter how good I've been to her, no matter what I've tried to do, She has refused my efforts. No matter what I did or showed of myself to reveal my change was sincere and real, she has chosen to be blind to me.

There's nothing left of our relationship, except to face this down and confront it.
Our relationship is destroyed. Our marriage vows broken, our bed defiled, and the only solid ground we have left to stand on in this relationship left is the ground that these blogs and the last six months have been revolving around.

now what's left to fight with? What's left to fight for?

This has already taken the best of both of us and laid it to waste. It makes me provoked and angry to think of what we have lost. What could have been.

She's lived with me all these years, yet still stayed so distant, without giving me a way to bring her back. Because she kept everything inside.

Only now, 8 years later am I caught in the wake of mistakes made years ago.

I know it's wrong. The way that I feel.

I should be happy that I know the truth at last. I should be ready and with full energy work on this and finally have the relationship that.....that we never had.

But I'm not. I've come too far and seen too much I guess. And I've come too far alone. I'm even adjusted to sleeping alone.

It's the same old story. She has always waited too late to act on things, to tell me what's happening. Now 8 years after becoming a new man. Mostly for HER. After becoming someone who could survive this life. I have been forced to mutate and change again.

The fiery passions that used to govern my heart have been extinguished by years of apathy, lies and despite. Now, I'm a lot colder than I used to be. I just wish that I didn't feel that there was NOTHING I missed. But I don't. I feel I tried everything and every way there was to try to be acceded and be acceptable to her.

I've spent so long accepting that what we had was all we needed. Pretending because she had deceived me into believing that she was content. She told me she was over and over. And that her apathy and disinterest were rooted in other things.

I've forgiven so much. But right now, today, I just don't know if I can let this go.
But at least I'm being honest about it.

Do I just try and stand it? I'm all but ready to give it all up for something as simple as somewhere to go to that I would be welcome and accepted. Of course I'm well trained to live alone. I can cook, clean, and do laundry and I've had lots and lots and lots of practice at going to bed and sleep alone.

What's the point when you do the right things and your despised anyway? What's the point when I've already given away years of love that will never be returned? I don't know if I can hold on. I'm stretched so thin already that I can't even rely on myself.

But I have made promises, and commitments. And I do not make promises lightly. I've been hurt by too many broken promises not to make every last effort there is to keep my promises.

I'm going to try once more despite what everyone that I've talked to about this has said. They all have told me 2 things:
They couldn't do what I've done
They wouldn't try again

But hey, I've grown accustomed to 5% odds so I got to make the roll.

I won't let it go on long though. I won't wait 8 more years for her to decide if she wants to try again or not. If she wants this relationship to continue, now that she has indeed seen what I am made of since this last May, then we are going to start in the only place that isn't poisoned by all this, the only solid ground in our relationship, the only part of US that isn't completely corrupted. But the rules here will change as well.

Anna is going to be my loving, sensual submissive and I am going to be her caring dominant. No more topping from the bottom, no more picking and choosing of the elements of the relationship that she wants. No more being a sub just for sex. No more backing out on a whine, or a grumpy day. My rules, my way. If she, or you, is concerned I'm going to abuse her, or somehow take revenge, I won't. Anything beyond that Anna is going to have to decide for herself, build her own trust in me or not. It's up to her.

She can be my submissive and we can work on our relationship from there, or we can both go and do our own things, whatever we want to do, and we get what we get.

It may seem contradictory to regard BDSM as this helping, healing, and life affirming. But I assure you it's true. And I wouldn't accept Anna's submission if I did not love and respect her. Her hard boundaries will be honored. I will accept your physical and verbal resistance as a "Strong yellow" And that is all I will promise.

Being my submissive now will require no small amount of suffering, most of this will be emotional suffering that admit or no, we have brought on ourselves. What she will have to decide is who is the real master here, the pain? Herself? Or me?

If our relationship is going to go any further she is going to have to open up. Open up to the physical, the spiritual, and the relationship pains and in her mind, accept the unacceptable, endure the unendurable and bear the unbearable.

new post

2004-09-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

My new post is here. I'll post again based on this one soon as I actually have a day off to do it. Hang in there folks, Eben still yet lives.

It's That Good

2004-09-03T13:33:00.001-07:00

I Must admit. I feel like a new man. I mean like upgraded to version 6.0 or something.

You ever get that "Just out of the pool from a hard swim" kind of tired? Your tired. I mean exhausted, yet your mind is awake and alert, and you feel good. I've been getting to enjoy that sensation a lot lately. I say enjoy it because it is far superior to the feeling of tired I have been used to being for so long.

I don't sleep much, but I find I don't miss it much either. There was a time if I didn't tank up on a full night's sleep before work, I was a grouch the next few days until I got caught up.
I'm getting up earlier. I have to get up early as it is to be at work at 5:20 am, but I'm finding I'm getting up even earlier than I have to. And I don't begrudge the mornings very often. Even when I do wake with an explanitive, I seem to be able to very quickly shake it off.

And shaking off brings me to the keenest point of all. I seem to be shaking off all kinds of things that used to annoy me to no end. Things that would pull me into a funk for days, now barely hold my ire overnight.

Something is different, maybe even changing. Whatever it is I'm not going to examine it, just be happy and enjoy it.

I am in love with a new kind of domination for me. Mental bondage. I didn't think it would do jack for me, I really didn't. But, as not doubt you have surmised, I have no ordinary domme. She set the tone and the mood, and then took me by my wrists in a firm grip ( I now know why Anna loves for me to do that to her now *eg* It feels Goooood.) and she put my arms and hands where she wanted them to stay. Mostly over my head and once she had me grab the bars of the headboard (wow!) after she had me positioned where she wanted me, she would begin her sensation play.

I'll spare you the gory details, I'd love to spill but I don't think I can do it in a single posting, but I have to tell you. She is Good. Damn good. She has an incredible gift of control and knowing how to drag you out to the ragged edge of ecstasy and let you dangle there for eternity. And she has more ways to do it than I would have thought possible without the use of an arsenal of toys. She did use one tool though.....

I am in love with a new toy . If you have never experienced one of these for either end you simply MUST! I got the very lightest of samplings of one last Wednesday and I must confess I still get chills thinking of it (BRrrrrr!!!!) I can't wait for another taste of it, or to sample a little bit of pressure behind it.

I hope she got most of what she wanted out of the session. By the time she let me go I was far worse than a gelatinous blob. When I had a little time to process, and began to sift around inside of me. I found that the domination, the teasing, the pinching the prodding, and the total mind job she put on me left my insides liquefied.

She didn't do all that she planned, we both had complications. She was coming down with a cold. She claimed that if was making her off in her blog, which again proves how out of my league I am because unlike when I am off as a dom, her submissive had NO clue. Kind of makes me nervous really. What is she going to be like at full power and intensity if she can do this to me and still be a little off her game? (shiver)

Thinking of one of my favorite old shows

2004-09-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

There's a power that comes from deep inside of you
'Cause every day you're reaching toward the light
And you know there's a long long way ahead of you
But when your wheels get you there,Things will turn out right!
Just keep 'em turning, don't stop 'em rollingThe fire is on--Wheeled Warriors!
Battle drums burning, wheels moving--Wheeled Warriors
Wheeled Warriors!
Cause we can just keep 'em turning, don't stop 'em rollingThe fire is on--Wheeled Warriors!Battle drums burning, wheels moving--Wheeled Warriors
Wheeled Warriors!

2004-09-02T02:50:00.000-07:00

Anyone else feel like Linkin Park?

Crawling crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fal
lconfusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

Mien Gott

2004-08-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

Song on my heart tonight:

"Catch My Fall"

I have the time so I will sing yeah

I'm just a boy but I will win yeah

Lost song of lovers fellow travelers yeah

Leave me sad and hollow out of words

It could happen to you so think for yourself

If I should stumble

Catch my fall yeah

If I should stumble

Catch my fall

If I should stumble

Catch my fall

If I should stumble

I've traveled and unwound my own truth yeah

I've laid my head on the rock of youth yeah

I've trusted and then broken my own word

Just to keep me free in this mad, mad word

It could happen to you so think for yourself

If I should stumble

Catch my fall yeah

If I should stumble

Catch my fall

It could happen to you so think for yourself

If I should stumble

won't yoc catch my fall yeah

If I should stumble catch my fall yeah

If I should stumble would you catch my fall

If I should stumble catch my fall

My Domme IM'd with me all evening tonight. I tried to go at one point and she bid me stay. We talked a lot but she slowly, slowly circled around tomorrow night. The subject came up more and more often as the hours went by until it became the consuming subject. What was going to happen, what she was going to do. What she wanted to do, what I wanted to do, Idea's she had and do I want to hear them (more subtle and coy than that, but of course that is where they led.)

Eventually there were more things to do than time there is going to be to do them in. No problem, we would finish next time. Next time I asked? Saturday of course was the reply.

I began to feel strange. After all the talk, the teasing, and days of arousal on top of the intense teasing I had Saturday, she did the impossible. Lightheaded and floaty, I hit subspace by remote.

Not just the light flush of "oh!" either. I went deep. So deep I asked her to lie down.

Anna had just stripped the bed. It's very fuzzy but I remember trying to grab her on my way down but she wouldn't come. I don't think she knew what was going on. After a few moments she joined me and held me, telling me things. Sweet nothings I guess.

I don't know how I feel about my submissive catching me from bottoming out in subspace, I'm still too numb. But there are no other words for everything that happened. I'm astonished.

The Teasing

2004-08-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

Even just thinking of sitting down to make this post I have a bad case of arousal. I seem doomed to carry a case of it, and a cramped fly for at least another couple of days. This is highly irregular. The whole set up is highly irregular. Nothing like what I had planned or intended when I set out to have a domme of my own. This is not a complaint, mind you, but it is an observation that is leaving me a bit......Vulnerable.

Vulnerable. Even the admission now leaves me disquieted. I am not used to these feelings much less the treatment I am receiving. Much to my surprise I find it shaking me to the foundation of my being.

In the beginning I believed that as Ritualistic and sterile. After all, I know the how it works, I know the processes by which one makes a submissive feel submissive, I know what to expect. I thought I would simply do what was expected, go through the motions, observe, learn, and after be completely immune to any undue attachment to my role as a sub. The fact that I was so strong and unaffected by our chats early on confirmed my self analysis.

Has anyone else learned that self analysis is a fool's game?

I should have taken the clue better when I met her. I only caught a glimpse of it though. Those eyes. I should have known those eyes would be nothing but trouble. But I just put it all in with the package. A person with a prominent, natural beauty, features that make her a striking individual, especially when you know she is a natural dominant. I thought as tightly as I held and shielded that part of my heart, that I would hold even against all of that.

Our first meeting as I described as the Jerry Lewis bit, I expected to go roughly, just not quite that roughly. As I expected the next few subsequent visits to be until I became acclimated, jaded, and immune to the submissive role entering my heart.

And to a large degree that is true. I have graduated from being Jerry Lewis. I'm now more like Wade Duck from US Acres if you are familiar with that comic. Right down to the sound effect.

I digress I suppose. I guess the state I'm in leaves me vul....Prone to do that. But allow me to continue to fill in exactly why and how I have wound up in this almost humiliating position of near constant arousal like some overclocked teenager, instead of my usual supercilious self.

After reading my domme's blog entry about being acceptable to her, an anxiety came over me that I did not expect. After meditating on it I believe It stemmed from a bad previous experience that I have had as a submissive and had nothing to do with rash or reason. Yet my anxiety persisted in the form of a waning self esteem. I asked the advice of another dominant about it and he suggested that I come clean and communicate my anxiety to my domme, citing the importance of communication. I believe I told him something to the effect of that I would rather bleed out my eyes than take such a risk. I reasoned to myself after all that I was not going to be deeply affected by this whole experience anyway.

By the time Saturday came, my anxiety had become a storm in my mind. So much so I felt like it was affecting me in my role as a submissive. I was not hitting my stride or my space. At one point in the afternoon I found my domme alone in her bedroom taking a rest from the work we were all doing in the house. I went in and asked her if she needed anything and I wound up giving her a quick back rub. Doing that act, but not being able to get into the place I should be in my head became an immediate issue inside of me...

....What in the world is wrong with me? I'm not supposed to feel this way. This isn't according to plan. Get in there, do your thing, get out, and enjoy the victory that you have gotten to play the role of a submissive. How hard is that?....

....Being the expert she is she picked up on it and gave me "The Voice" You who are experienced know exactly what of I speak. Typically for her the voice starts with the sound "Hmmmmm?"
to ask "what's going on?" She is so skilled in the voice that after she uses it a time or two on you, she can even really it to you over IM chat. And more times than not, I find I spill almost right away.

Tough and immune eh?

This time I did not. I did not want to give this to her. It was too close, and too risky, too easily misconstrued. I resisted. She then asked what was on my mind directly....

....a note on that, Her being direct with me is like fire to a pyromaniac. The Pyro is fascinated, aroused by fire. Constantly looking to see into the flames, yet fire is the very thing he fears the most in his heart of hearts. It terrorfies him and that is why he is drawn to it.
She isn't direct all the time. She is very very good natured and easy going, but when she is direct it is something to be respected. I guess that fact adds to the potency of it.

Again I resisted, I tried to distract her with humor and changing the subject, but my shields had failed and true emotion was beginning to well up inside of me. There was no choice. Telling her what I was thinking, as badly as I didn't really want to, was far better than risking the former. I have told her my heart has been broken in the past, but I wasn't ready for her to see it. So when she asked me a third time, even more firmly, I spilled. The way that she asked me, I probably would have spilled anyway, at this point she was now using her eyes as well as her voice, and I could not meet that gaze.

I told her of the anxiety that had been gnawing on me for days, I explained to her that I realized it was irrational, and I assured her I did not expect her to act on it. A wash of despair rolled over me. I had blown it. I had blown everything I wanted to be and every way I wanted to act and probably ruined my relationship with her in one fell swoop.

I began to curse myself as my heart began to sink into the black depths, when suddenly she reached out and grabbed me. She had taken me by my hair and pulled it, harder than she ever had before. As she pulled my head up and my face into that burning gaze of hers, I swear even now I could feel burning hot fingers around me heart, grabbing it, holding it so tightly it almost stopped.

Again, she used the voice, but even that more deeply and intensely than ever before. The pitch was lower and more serious than I had ever heard it before. I never felt so had before, so held, so helpless. Holding my head tightly by the hair so I met her face she poured her dominant voice, nay her dominant nature into me while I was held wide open. No shielding, no defenses, no smartass attitude. My heart was naked and she was running it through with pure power. Her power.

She explained very slowly and very carefully that I was to kiss each one of her breasts. She explained how I was to do it, and she made it clear that this issue would be dealt with later after others were gone from the house. She calls what she did in this moment in her blog a reward for my massage efforts, and it probably was, but inside of me it was a lifeline of reassurance.

I'd like to tell you what I felt as I moved to obey her. But I just don't have the words. It was like a sudden sunrise, a rush of blinding light pushing out the dark, heat melting a layer of frozen snow. Never in my years have I ever been snatched from the maw like that. Energy and zeal poured into me and I entered the space that I had been up to now denied.

We went back to work and the evening progressed. Anticipation began to knifeplay with my soul.
When the hour came I felt unprepared, and as I had felt when she had held me and assured me earlier in the day, I felt true to my anxieties...... Unworthy of her attentions.

It wasn't until after the fact that she did indeed call what she did reassurance, but after giving her another massage to smooth away the aches of a hard working day she had me strip before her for the first time (I had my esteem's misgivings about that to) and she began to tease me. She explored almost every inch of me with extreme emphasis on my sex. She touched me, she teased me, she dominated me, and she owned me. Not only with her fingers but with her words, and with her eyes. God help me, those eyes. I tried. I really tried. I must have tried a dozen times to meet her gaze as she lorded over me, stroking me, pulling my hair, scratching me with her nails, talking to me in that "witches voice" that I can do naught but obey. But I could never do it. I met that gleam in her eyes for a second, maybe two and I would succumb and look away, everytime with a strange sense of tingling. After looking away I would feel a shame at being so weak, and yet who could be where I was and do it? No one with a heart for submission.

She told me of the future, she taunted me with it, asking questions to which she already knew the answers. She toyed and fucked my mind (there is no other term for it I have searched) just as surely as she teased my organ to the absolute bursting point.

And she held me there.... Just that way....At that intensity..... In that incredible storm of pleasure and agony for three full hours. I didn't know it could be done. I didn't know it could be taken. When she released me from her spell, and let go of my body, I was in a heap. Incoherent and utterly, utterly spent. I have never been so drained of power or energy in my life. It was frightening, yet exquisite. I was so deep in subspace one could have probably done surgery on me without me feeling it. It was a depth that I had never reached before without a major, serious beating. Welcome to the world of the sensual dominant. I now know how those terms reconcile together. They do it VERY well. A sensual dominant is every bit a domme that a more corporal domme is. Every bit and more, a lot more and I now know why.

Any fool can swing cane, or pull on testicles like they were picking turnips, but a domme that can drive you to your knees with words, turn your heart to gelatinous ooze with a glance from her shimmering eyes, or make you feel the deepest reaches of submissiveness and being owned and controlled with a gentle touch.....That is real power.

I knew I was out of my league the day I met her. By her own admission she was rusty for having been out of the scene for a while. But I had NO idea. NO idea I was THIS far out of my league. I thought when she said rusty, she was referring to her swing with a flogger. But now I know better, and knowing in this case is a most scary prospect. Every time we meet, every encounter she is stronger and stronger. Her power had grown far beyond what I expected it to be. I thought for a time, really until that night, that I would be able to harden, to toughen, to build up a defense in such a way that I would stand firm and smartassed against her most direct attempts at domination.

I was a fool. I am a fool. More....I am now an ensnared fool.

I drove home that night with the seat belt tight against an erection that would not avast. I woke the next morning with it. And the next morning I found myself in a new situation. Hours after being out of her presence I was still under her spell. And before I knew it, I had agreed to an accord with her and Anna about orgasm control.....Mine. The hell of it is, I was awake. I wasn't drunk, or drugged, I even remember thinking "I can't believe I'm doing this" as I did it. After over 12 hours she still owned me.

Now two days later, she still does. Even though I could do something to relieve myself of this torment. This very minute I could change web pages and in two minutes go from broiling in my own passions to relieved and napping (I couldn't even sleep during my lunch break like I ALWAYS do. The moment I laid my head down on that table, I was back in that bed being stroked. I even caught myself stroking my own hair as I laid on my other arm) But I'm not. I can't. Overriding even the most base of my impulses, she still has that grip on me.

When next we meet, her reassurances will begin to become reality. She has a full evening of sensation play planned out. More so, she has made it clear that it is her dominant powers that will hold me down more than bondage. I am to lie still by her command. I think that prospect gives me as many or more chills as the thoughts of the things she says she's going to do.

But it won't affect me much; a battle hardened and experienced student of Sun Tzu, and a dominant in my own right. Being someone's submissive will be a simple exercise.

Right.

Ever Notice?

2004-08-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how sometimes THE most deafening sound can be absolute silence?

It is amazing the myriad of emotions one can feel in such a short space of time over the exact same event or events. Especially in the arena of submission. I find even the more internally darker feelings to be exquisite, and the moments of elation to be beyond containment. Even over the smallest and insignificant of events.

It's a lesson to be learned in how I treat my sub to be sure. To know that what she feels before and during and well after a scene could well be very different things.

Interesting. And endlessly fascinating. For example I keep thinking of little things I should have or wish I had done for my domme the last evening I served her. Despite being confident in my work and feeling very good about what I did, I find I wish I had done just a little more. Is this what it means to be in submission?

Irritation

2004-08-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Wed - to Fri week

Yes I know I have taken wy to long to update on Anna.

From Wed- Sat of last week Anna was nearly perfect. She did all the things that I love to see in submission. She did the most of all my preferences and even carried herself in a less defiant and submissive way. I was in dominant heaven and was lookinf forward to it all the way to the next Thursday (her trip day).

Then Sunday came. I'm not going to regale Sunday here. If you want the essence of it go here and read the post "A Great Swell of Pity" on 8/16/04

After Sunday, the streak of 4 days of neigh perfect submission was over. Not only over but not not be rebuilt at least to date. Monday she wanted to do the scene again and offered to be punished and we made up for it. We had a real good time. But it did not seal the breech. The rest of the week she has been so irritable that the most common response I get from her is "What's that supposed to mean?" This gets us up to last night.

At first I thought it was because she was in the grip of her cycle. But this has gone on to long. She is harboring something and she raises her back at me over nothing. I would give examples but she reads this blog so I will demure. However I still stand by the assertion that she has had a rotten attitude this week and is too irritable to even let herself, or me, enjoy what we have been doing including the pettins' and pampering of last night.

Were going out for the weekend. I hope it's enough for us both to relax around each other. I've reached the point that I'm afraid to talk to her. I'm worried that a "hello" will be answered by "What's that supposed to mean?"

This of course means I'm behind on hairbrushings (both kind IMHO) but I mean the one I posted about that I owe her. I'll try to get it in on our trip.

I just wish she would spill so we could get this behind us.

2004-08-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not above thinking that this irritation in her is my fault mind you, but nothing of the sort has been communicated to me

The Jerry Lewis Bit is Getting Old....

2004-08-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ok here is the blog addy of My Domme If you read just a little you will figure out that the universe is out to get me! Yesterday's little faux pa, which she in all her graciousness did not mention, was the last straw!

Ok let me back up and punt here. First off, I'm not given to being shy, nervous, or subtle or least of all embarrassed. Yet this woman manages to bring out the most of those "qualities" from me.
The first time I looked in her eyes I knew she was a domme you can see in her that mysterious gift that can turn a grown man into a gelatenous blob. I should have known that was going to be trouble. She calls our first "get to know you" a comedy of errors for me. If you take note, it was Friday the 13th. And it was to. There were one or two small things to go sproing in the beginning. Like she mentions, the flat tire, the extra time and trip back to her home. I offered to drive and she accepted. When we got in my car there was a bouquet of flowers there. I had gotten flowers because I had spent the entire morning hunting up and down for a more practical gift, something she had told me she needed in out more casual sonversations, long handle spoons. So out of time and inspiration I picked up the almost thoughtless bundle of flowers. I just don't go to someone's house for the first time empty handed. It just isn't done. That's ALL I was thinking about until I pulled up in her driveway and looked at the little weeds and thought about how I was going to look. Worse what was I going to say to an almost stranger as I gave them to her? Feeling like an IDIOT I left them in the car. Forgotten, Until....She got in the car with me. Crap. I think I could have come off with something wittier if she had caught me with my pants down wanking. As it was "Here." was the best my finely honed and disciplined mind, a mind that has several awards on the wall for Extemporaneous Speaking., former Toastmasters International officer, former college circuit lecturer could come up with in that particular clutch. Ok well, maybe no harm, no foul. She had a funny expression taking them, but accepted the gift, eloquent presentation and all.
Where it got personal was when I was driving her in my car. We get into the trip and I encourage her to smoke. Trying to be thoughtful (and yes smooth) I reach down to open the ashtry for her.....And it's stuck. The irony is that I smoke cigars and use the ashtray regularly myself. It has never in the years that I have owned that vehicle, stuck before.
In that moment it all came to me. All the other "bad luck" we had encountered had not driven it home but this event did. The Universe was out to get me. This was my comeuppence for all the dirty little tricks and stunts that I have impressively pulled over the years. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "I'm going to get you" I wouldn't have to work. And here it was. A Day I have waited for ALL my life, one of very few times I actually CARE what someone thinks of me as a person and.....
....Seeing all of this in my eyes the moment she realized the ashtray was stuck. She laughed, and laughed. I think if she was one whit less the lady that she is, she would have rolled on the floorboard laughing. Like I said I don't embarrass easily, but this one came really close to it.
The evening proved less stressful except for the gelatenous blob bit. IE I turn into a gelatenous blob most everytime I get around her. The first meet was the worst. I wound up rubbing her feet a bit, I don't know why or how I got started on it, I just did. After a few minutes of it I went and got foot lotion. When I came back I somehow wound up on my knees massaging it in. I don't have to be on my knees, I don't even have to be on the floor. But somehow I did.
The second encounter with her, last Sunday. I spent the trip up there trying to steel myself against that gaze. I went in with determination to not become a gelatenous blob so easily like I did last time, looking like a cow eyed fool. Soooo stalwart and strong person I am I probably kept my cool for oh say an hour.

Ah but Thursday was going to be different! All day at work I carried the mantra "I will not turn into a gelatenous blob. I will NOT turn into a gelatenous blob."

Well I did NOT turn into a gelatenous blob. Do not bother me with the detail that she did not take aim at me. I still claim victory! It will not be diminished!

What also cannot be diminished is the attack of the universe on my ass. AGAIN! Coming to her house from work like I was, I had to arrange to shower there. I work in a hot industrial environment. Nuff said. When I come in, I forgot my shoes, so I set my clothes down, go and get my shoes and come back in to shower. After as I begin to get dressed I notice something missing. My underwear. Well, I had packed haphazardly and had forgot some of my toiletries so maybe I missed that to. No problem, I can go commando without any stress. After dressing I go back into the living room where, you guessed it, my underwear is laying in the middle of the floor right in front of where she is sitting.

I can hear the entire cosmos laughing at this point. Picking them up I merely comment "You didn't see that." And walk outside to look for a large rock to crawl under.

I Could Just Hate Her

2004-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ok I was going to talk about my second encounter with my domme. But, I have to rant an envious rant about An unknown Slave. This submissive is one of the most passionate people out there bar none. I can really relate to her at how strongly she feels all of her emotions from the highest of highs, to the depths of despair. Once more, her submissiveness is so pure. The post about how she asked to strip and kneel while talking to a dom on the phone just gave me chills.
I really envy not only her passion, but her expressiveness of it. I feel a LOT. But there is a lot I cannot utter to anyone no matter how much I may want to, it might even be that some would stand ready to give me my deepest desires, nay would even want to, and I still could not speak. Years of suppression and rejection was weathered away all hope of me ever having the gifts of this child of submission.
Finally I am terribly terribly jealous of her being able to find expression for all this pent up inside her. When she does find someone, she always seems to just be able to explode. Letting it all out so there is nothing left and she is so fulfilled and happy. All her desires come true, all her sensations fully realized.

This is no bad reflection on what I have mind you. I just have a case of green green jealousy.
I'm really really happy for her, but at the same time, I could just hate her!

First Encounter

2004-08-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've waited 20 years for this day. The day that I would cross paths with a real live domme.
While my ideas and expectations have varied wildly over the years of what such an encounter would entail. I have to admit I never thought of it quite the way it went.

I am not disappointed.

At the moment I am in a strange Maelstrom of emotions that I am not quite familiar with, ranging from a scathing embarrassment at having stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I have athlete's tongs, a feeling of relief that my services were acceptable, and approved, to an eerie calm that I cannot qualify with words. To an excitement and a ??? Feeling that I will be welcome to return soon.

I'll try to sort this out and give detail of some of the funnier things that happened, if she does not happen to blog them out first, if she does, I'll link over and just give my p.o.v.

In the meantime my brain is shorted. Peace Out.

Mon - Wed

2004-08-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

Anna has been good this week. All of her greetings have been clear and proper. She put on a house collar last night, had touched up her lipstick on Monday, and wore one of my favorite perfumes. All in all better. She has even managed to call me Master once of the last 3 days.

So I'm going to reward her again with the hairbrush.

Lol! no. Not that way. I'm going to brush her hair out for her with a scalp massaging hairbrush! Between that and last nights dildo play to 2 thunderous orgasms after a requested gentle spanking, she should feel well loved.

I've been a tiny bit under the weather and she has tried to pamper and console me. I don't think she understands the best way to make me feel better is with a surge of adrenaline and endorphines. And she provides those when we play. I thought she might try to redeem a coupon this week but not so far, and now... A new game is afoot.

She has been chatting with a dom in another state for some time. They have expressed an interest in meeting several times. Now an opportunity has arisen. The dom is coming to this area, in another city, on business for a week and has asked Anna to come meet him. Personally, I would think it polite for another dom to ask the submissives dom as well as the sub for such a thing, but that is just me.
After hearing that they were exchanging fantasy ideas and kicking it around, I pondered a bit and thought "Why Not?"

I put Anna in front of me as a cock holder (She holds it in her mouth while I talk to her no sucking, no stimulation, just holds it there.) and explained to her my terms and game. I told her if she would put forward her most exemplary behavior and be the best girl she can be this week. I will send her with a letter to give to him describing one of her fantasies and asking him to care for her in the matter as a favor to both of us. She agreed.

If she doesn't live up, she might go anyway, but I will make my disappointment clear to both of them.

We shall see.

25 With a Hairbrush

2004-08-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

Anna finally said she was ready to get the punishment she had coming. 25 strokes with a hairbrush.Had I been in a charitable mood I might have warmed her up just a bit, I tend to do that even for punishment situations. I wasn't in a charitable mood however.I laid into her without mercy, even going as far as to flick my wrist for that maximum "POP" you get with hardwood on soft tissue. She squirmed and cried but I did not relent.When it was over I reminded her what it was for. How hurt I had been over the infraction, and told her all well again and that she was a good girl. I also reminded against carrying excess guilt around of things that have been past forgiven. I stroked her a few minutes and sent her on her way.

A Domme For Me?

2004-08-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't even breathe it out loud. I have a gift for jinxing things up. But I've had a face to face with a local Domme, and it looks like me might try out at being play partners.
I'm a switch (duh), but I won't give any ratios that I think I might be. It really depends on the time and day you ask me.
My ideas of what a submissive is are very different form Anna's. That has been a sore spot at times in out budding relationship. What we both think of when we consider being submissive are two very different things.
However, the Domme with whom I'm speaking (no names yet pending permission to mention her or her blog here) seems to be looking for just the kind of submissive that I have been in the past. Up to and including the fact I'm not a doormat, and have a sense of humor about it all.
We had chatted a couple of times via email and IM before the face to face. So I had an idea of what we were looking for, neither of us want a 24/7 naturally I don't with a submissive of my own. And we were both looking to have specifics roles / needs filled. Best as I can tell, she wants a submissive that isn't a jellyfish, will pamper her, and with whom she feels comfortable expanding her horizons with. I want almost the same. I love to pamper, and I love sharing experiences, new ones and old favorites. As a bonus, I have an extremely resilient hide and love to test it's limits with my wit from time to time. Sounds like a match to me.

I thought I was prepared when we met. I went in my mental "dom" mode myself. I thought as long as we were just talking it could be as two dominants. You know "professional" meeting kinda junk. Wrong answer. Way wrong answer. She was striking. My first thought after we sat down was even with the sun coming in behind her I could still see the glint in her eyes. There was little doubt in my mind she had trouble finding a sub that wasn't a doormat. This was a casual meet yet in her eyes was something to melt for. Even for me, and as a general rule, ice doesn't melt in my mouth.

Something tells me if we hit it off, this is going to be good.

Bad Girl Up To Now

2004-08-08T03:52:00.000-07:00

Well things have gone poorly so far. Out of the last 7 days Anna has greeted me only once and that was an absolute minimal greeting. Other than that, she took the week off and only wore her immunity jewelry one day, the day she made the greeting. Otherwise, no collar changes, no makeup, no "Master's" and only the halfhearted permission asking.

So I figure that's worth about 25 hairbrush strokes for breaking the non greeting rule next time she's over my lap. And probably a new rule about paddle swats.

If she wants any special treatment or favors, she's going to have to use her finite supply of coupons for a while (Hand made coupons good for anything from getting her hair brushed to having an orgasm).

And no credit toward earning that special rolled steel collar complete with silver heart with her name engraved on it, or the toys that I had her order this week. A new flogger and a couple of new bracelets.

Overall rating last week: Bad Girl.

I know there have been issues. But a deal is a deal. How hard would it have been to give the simplest of greetings, to me, or wear the immunity, so I didn't feel so snubbed, and consequently, lonely all week. Worse, experiencing that while trying to adjust to a new and difficult job. If it wasn't for the fact that I do recognize her issues, I would give her a lot more than the minimum punishment I'm going to hand out for it. Not only were my needs unmet, she totally hurt my feelings. Very Bad submissive!

Reincarnation

2004-08-01T03:19:00.000-07:00

He's BAAAAaaaaaaack!

I've done away with most of my old posts except the little confessions that I wrote to try to explain what makes me....Well me. A switch. A dominant side, and a submissive side. One entry for each event that forged each trait.

Beyond that, this is now going to be my journal for keeping up with day to day events around my domination of Anna. Since her collaring on 7/19, My new favorite holiday, I have striven to set up a working system by which to operate my caring for her in not only a dominant manner, but inside a consistent system that is fair, just, and clever. Or, maybe just fairly clever.

What we have come up with is a simple set of "non negotiable" rules padded by my preferences. My preferences do not have to be followed daily or to the letter in order to escape punishment but they are the basis on which I give her special praise and rewards. This leaves her feeling both "owned" and free to be who she wants to be and express herself in non submissive ways.

Hey it's not perfect but it's the best I can come up with to keep us both happy within this new lifestyle. If it doesn't meet your standards of D/s or BDSM then just push off.

So here is the system, first the hard and fast rules:

1. Anna is required to wear one of my collars at all times unless otherwise permitted.

2. Anna is required to give me a formal greeting as her dominant everyday

3. Anna is required to fulfill my needs as I express them.

4. Anna is required to express her submissive needs as she experiences them including fantasies.

5. Anna is required to tell me when she is angry, or experiences any negative emotion toward me.

Simple eh? Now for the preferences:

1. Special Greetings: I prefer Anna be naked, and creative in her greeting. She is free to greet me how she chooses (respectfully of course) but if she wants subbie rewards, she has to make me feel special. This is also her way of expressing just how submissive she wants to be that day so I can gauge how to treat her.

What that means is she just comes home and drops her head in my lap, fully clothed for a couple of minutes, I'm going to do my own thing that evening. And I will probably give her permission to do the same. If it goes on long enough though I might consider unplugging her computer or the TV for a night. She can't do it long and still fill my needs.
But if she comes home and makes an effort, she will get attention. Stroked and petted and get the chance to serve me and perhaps win favor toward more rewarding things she likes to have and do. Like outings to go shopping, professional manicures, massages, movies, ect.

She has a couple of special collars that diffidently cannot pass for jewelry. She gets credit for putting them on at home.

She gets credit for makeup and perfume at home. While this may not seem like much, doing that puts her efforts for me on equal footing with her efforts for the work a day world and her crush. But more on that later.

I prefer her to call me "Master" at home, and in private. Yeah I know it's corny but in the right context, it makes up both feel good, and it's a chance for her to earn easy credit.

I prefer her to ask me permission to do vanilla things like surf the web, watch TV ect. I require her to ask to go to the bathroom.

That's about it. I add to to my preferences on a whim though. So look for them to change.

Predator's and Prey

2004-07-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

It was just a child's game. We were just children. My step niece, nephew, and thier friends. It was our birthday. My Niece and I shared the same day July 12. My step family never really let me forget that I was an outsider. My nephew was the closest and would call me step uncle. But my step father refused to adopt me so I was odd man out. Odd name, odd look, and just plain odd.

We were playing "Swat" which was a popular tv cop show of the time. So we were playing cops and robbers. It began as any other child's game is played. Good guys wore the toy badges and handcuffs, billy clubs and the bad guys carried guns. The good guys were bulletproof. Good guys chased the bad guys, caught them cuffed them and took them to "jail".
Soon jail becam a place where not only you were cuffed, but tied to a chair and closed off in the dark.

I was a bad guy. I was supposed to be prey. But I was also a pariah. They were family. They were friends. I was odd man out. I tried to get them to chase me. And they would start to, but then would break off and chase someone else.

Ever thought you were being chased only to look back and find your alone?

I don't know how long it took my mind to work the way it did. I remember the long drive home from thier house holding a token gift that had no reflection of my interests or who I was. The image of standing in a crowded game of cops and robbers. Not a good guy, unable to chase. And not a bad guy, unchased. Unfettered. Rejected. Worse than a bad guy.

Days following I learned to "jail" myself at first quietly taking enough stuff out of my closet so I could fit in, pull the door to and sit there. Just sit there in my underpants in the night. This is what some kids do. They take care of themselves however they can.

The closet was too hot. Summer time. I snuck hay bailing rope out of my step father's shed. THe really rough stuff. itchy scratchy to even a casual touch. And at 11 or 12 years old, I learned how to tie myself to my own bed. Captured prey, held. Wanted.

All too soon, I came to grips with the illusion. It was cold weather by then. I was tied spread eagle to my bed and when the electric heater would kick on I could look down and see myself in the situation. I could wiggle and pretend I couln't get free. BUt once in one of those frenzies I did pull free. I stared at my free wrist until the heater kicked off and the light went out. I was too smart for my own good. The whole notion that no matter how I bound myself, I'm always free, poisoned me. I put myself there. Unchased, Unwanted. Rejected. Worse than a bad guy.

The rest of my adolesent life I was in pursuit of reconsiling this mess. I spent hours and hours in my Atari 2600 playing, not the game that was plugged in, but playing ggod guy bad guy. Chaser, being chased. I got good at games. Damn good. Unbeatable.

By the time high school was over I was stone on the outside. I was a predator. I didn't run. In Jr college I learned how to chase. In senior college I learned how to chase and catch and jail bad little girls.

I've rarely been chased. I won't allow it. The few times I have been chased. I refused to run to far. I couldn't. Do you know what it's like to be running and look back and find yourself alone? Yet, those few, brief times I have been chased, those few tresaured moments I have let go, and allowed myself to be jailed....I guess it's true we all give what we want to get.

I'm not the kind of person that is easliy made to live in fear. Less than 2 years ago I had a loaded gun put in my face. I dared him to shoot me in the back and I turned away from my assailant and walked back in to where I worked. When my boss found out he said I was the craziest son of a bitch he had ever known, my crew thought I was the baddest man alive.

Today, Anna has sent me 3 ecards. She's talking to me in a way she hasn't in a decade.

I think she's trying to chase me. And I'm more scared right this minute than I ever was of that punk kid with the .22

I'm scared to let her chase me. I'm scared to run. Have you ever run only to find no one is chasing you? I'm a predator I have to be. I'm not a bad guy. Bad guys are caught, cuffed, jailed. punished. I'm a predator. I chase her with words and flowers and acts when she lets me. She stopped running for a while to. And I committed the worst kind of sin. I gave up chasing her for a while.

It might just be because it's my birthday. I'm too blue and sensative to see striaght. Maybe tomorrow she will begin to simply run again and not reply to my cards, not write notes back, not...

She sent me flowers once. Long ago. Only time in my life.

Hell I'm all over the place. I don't know where this is going. All I know is I'm sitting here scared to death of a woman I've been with 15 years. And probably for nothing. After all she has a crush that she is chasing, and he's running for all he's worth.

Where was I? I never quit the self bondage game. I still play it. I still take care of myself. I have to. Do you know what it's like to say to the someone "chase me! chase me!" and have them tell you "I don't want to chase YOU." I can. It's a trip back through time to a place you never want to relive again. I settle for being chased in video games still. In a FPS you are usually alone against an entire world chasing you. Take that thrill of being chased and combine it with a little self bondage, rewarding yourself for being "Caught" maybe find a way to give yourself a little pain, then pleasure.

Birthdays. I've despised them all this time since. I spent my adult life trying to stamp it out. This day has been so painful to me in the past that I changed my birthday to another day and have vehemontly insisted this one be ignored. And now all my sins are remembered. Today my submissive is sending signals that she wants to chase me. Maybe I'm just over reading her because it is today and it's just a thing. coincidence. Yeah it has to be. I'm afraid for nothing. Why should I run? Why should I take that risk? Still, the fear is exciting. What's the harm in enjoying it a day? Everything today. Everything.

2004-07-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

Sun Tzu teaches: When you engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, then men's weapons will grow dull and their ardor will be damped. If you lay siege to a town, you will exhaust your strength.

Again, if the campaign is protracted, the resources of the State will not be equal to the strain. Now, when your weapons are dulled, your ardor damped, your strength exhausted and your treasure spent, other chieftains will spring up to take advantage of your extremity.

Then no man, however wise, will be able to avert the consequences that must ensue. Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.

This is something George Bush and I have in common at this point. We both have been pulled into engagements that by their nature must be protracted. I have begun to hemorrhage information that I should not. Really bad thing. If only I had someone I could talk to, relate to. Maybe someone of some distance so I could receive some digital comfort from as Anna does.

Now don't misunderstand, I don't care. I glad she has Erik, and if I really was mad about the Mr. At work, I could have blown it a long time ago.

But that brings me back to my weakness....Protracted war. I find myself beginning to grow careless: Sun Tzu teaches "The rule is, not to besiege walled cities if it can possibly be avoided. The preparation of mantlets, movable shelters, and various implements of war, will take up three whole months; and the piling up of mounds over against the walls will take three months more.

[These were great mounds or ramparts of earth heaped up to the level of the enemy's walls in order to discover the weak points in the defense, and also to destroy the fortified turrets mentioned in the preceding note.]

The general, unable to control his irritation, will launch his men to the assault like swarming ants,

[This vivid simile of Ts`ao Kung is taken from the spectacle of an army of ants climbing a wall. The meaning is that the general, losing patience at the long delay, may make a premature attempt to storm the place before his engines of war are ready.] with the result that one-third of his men are slain, while the town still remains untaken. Such are the disastrous effects of a siege.

Because of my carelessness, she perceives in me needs unmet, emotions unchecked, and concerns untethered to reason. Naturally she personalizes this and believes that she will be unwilling or unable to provide for me. In some ways, she is correct.

What she sees in me, is not what she thinks she sees. I try to tell her that, but I don't think there is enough trust. I've told her how I'm having trouble shaking off the need for Lortabs, and some of the symptoms I'm experiencing. As for the rest, it is something that I have to work out in myself. I've talked to Erik a little of part of it (see mistakes listed above) and I believe/hope I have his confidence in the matter. And while he can relate, only I can make a solution. This inner turmoil has caused me to revert back to hiding behind my masked of a pussywhipped wimp. Bad thing. So I feel I have to withdraw, at least emotionally until I have a better grip. Anna's strength and confidence grows almost by the day. She is learning about herself rapidly every time she quits trying to hug the "This is me" cadaver that has kept her so unhappy for so long. This withdrawal has made me quiet. When I get tense, I workout, or game. But the time to talk about it is gone. I have some important choices to make about myself and our relationship that have nothing to do with spankings, or collars. I have to reconcile my spirit, my emotions, with my beliefs and my fundamentals. Only then can I be myself. It's not Anna not letting me be myself...It's me and that's damn hard to say. I don't think getting out of the situation is going to help, but I am going to have to be a lot more reflective. It's so funny how the things that Anna sees as so complicated, are little to me, and how the things that perplex me, are nothing to her. Irony.

And sadly I have a little more self discovery yet as well. "Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat." This is the pendulum on which I swing

The Dream

2004-06-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

I started having the dream when I was 12. I found a copy of Penthouse Forum stories under my brother in laws bed when I was visiting them. I snuck it into my room and read it. I was an advanced reader for my age, but in reading one of the stories I misunderstood the why's behind the events that were happening in it. No sexual experience or understanding, and my ability to put myself into deeply into a story and live as a character, caused me to become terrified by what I read. All evening I could not stop thinking about it, and that night I had the dream for the first time.
When my sister and brother in law woke me, I was in the hall leading down to the bedrooms. I had leaped from the bed and tried to run away in a strange house. I had hit the walls so hard that I had knocked off pictures, and they told me later when they found me I was still asleep, yet crawling on the floor crying. Still trying to run away from what I dreamed. I laid in the floor and cried for the longest. My sister called a nurse friend who asked if I had remembered my dream. I told them no because I couldn't think of telling them what it was about or where it came from. The nurse told them I had had a night terror and that it wasn't unheard of.
They stayed up with me until I got calm again. It took forever to stop shaking. After they went back to bed and tried to get me to do the same. But I sat up in front of the TV all night sleep was not an option. The next night it took a long time to try to go to sleep again, and when I did, I didn't dream the dream, but I dreamed about dreaming the dream. (weird I know). That was enough to terrify me all over again. I slept very little for several days.

The dream has changed very little in the last twenty plus years. It only happens occasionally, but it always comes with intensity enough to leave my mind splintered for days. I haven't had the dream for years. Long enough t o forget about it. Until last Sunday morning. Since I've struggled not to be depressed and feel a weighted doom to everything I try to do. It's always the same. Used to it was worse dealing with the fallout. Now I have learned how to cope better so having the dream is worse. But it still takes time to get over. And I'm still afraid to sleep for sometime after. Which brings me to here and now.

I won't talk about the dream. I only have twice in my life. Once to my shrink, and once to my wife. Neither could see what was in it to be so awful about it. But that is the nature of it. It is something that touches me very personally deep down where I live. And as a result I've promised to never speak of it again because no one can possibly understand. I guess I hope just blogging about what I go through when I dream it will help me to get over it some. Maybe enough to sleep again, and not be so gloomy when I'm awake.